Adoption

As some of you know, we recently made the decision to adopt internationally. This was something we thought about, researched and prayed about extensively. I thought I would lay out our thought process here and answer some common questions that people have when they hear this. I realize that it is a sensitive issue for some people, for a number of reasons and I'm hoping that this will be a good way to address some of those things that might be hard to talk about. We are applying to Holt International's Ethiopia program, for a baby boy.

1) Why did you decide to adopt when you know you can have kids?
We felt that we were so blessed to be able to have kids and to experience pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, etc but there were so many kids out there that needed homes that it just didn't make sense for us to have more instead of giving a family to one of them. I really believe that it is a great thing to have biological children and I wouldn't trade my experience with it for anything, but I'm looking forward to the adoption as an experience that will be just as rewarding. I also don't feel that there is anything wrong with having lots of biological children, but this seems right for us.

2) Are you concerned about the effect on Aidan and Bridget?
Of course our children are our number one priority, and I am glad that this is a concern of many people because it shows how much they are loved! I think that this will be a wonderful experience for them and that they will love their new brother just as much as if I had given birth to him. We decided to adopt a boy partly because we felt that Bridget will be overshadowed the most by the arrival and if we had a boy it would let her retain her "status" as the only girl which would help her confidence. Aidan knows about the adoption and can't wait for his new brother. We're not too worried about his confidence :)

3) Will the new baby be black? Do you think you are able to raise a black child in such a white community as Newberg?
Yes he will definitely be a beautiful shade of brown. Newberg is definitely overwhelmingly white and we know that this could be a challenge for us and our children, especially as they get older. I have read several books on the issue of transracial adoption and I feel like I have a realistic grasp on what our future could be like. We are comfortable with the fact that we will always stick out as a family and we will receive some unwanted attention. There are actually a TON of families in Newberg who have adopted - not tons of African children, but lots of Asian and Indian children because these programs are a little older than Ethiopia's. There are actually three families including us who are adopting or have adopted from Ethiopia within a mile of each other! We have talked with another young couple on our street who are just starting the process with Holt, as we are (they are adopting a sibling group!), and there is a family with twin boys that they told us about, who live a couple of blocks away! We plan to incorporate as much Ethiopian culture into our lives as we can to give our son a positive sense of his heritage and to make it important to everyone in our family. The Ethiopian adoption programs are growing very quickly and I think there will be many more families in our town who will adopt from there. In some ways it is actually better for kids to have a community of adoptees rather than just a community of their own race, because they will face unique issues with having white parents and sibilings that others of their race may not face. Having other adopted kids to talk to can really help. One reason we chose Holt is because they have a lot of post-adoption support, both for parents and for kids, including support groups and summer camps for older kids.

4) Isn't it expensive?
Yes, it is. We'll be applying for grants and utilizing the adoption tax credit but we figure any expense is worth it for our child. We may be doing some sort of fundraiser so that will be a way you can help! :)

5) Will he have HIV?
No, the children are all screened for HIV (and several other diseases) more than once and just because their parents have or had AIDS doesn't mean that they do. HIV is actually not passed on to babies during pregnancy, but can be transmitted through breastmilk. Ethiopian culture is very family and child centered so most mothers do everything they can to prevent their children from getting sick, including turning them over to the care of an orphanage or feeding them formula if they can get it. That's not to say that HIV+ kids aren't available for adoption, but at this point we didn't think we could handle that.

6) Are you worried about corruption in the adoption process with kids being taken away from parents who could raise them just so they can be "sold" in adoption?
Holt actually does a lot of work within Ethiopia trying to help birth mothers keep their children by making health services available to them, getting them formula or other supplies and even offering prenatal care and education. This is one of the reasons we chose them as an agency. Adoption is not the best thing for a child - staying with their birth mother is and Holt firmly believes that. Adoption is a good thing for children who cannot stay with their parents, but we want our agency to be doing all they can to help the child first, not the parents in the US who want children. We can be confident that the child referred to us is with us because that was the best option for him.

7) Why adopt internationally when there are plenty of kids in America who need homes?
This is a great question and one that we took seriously in making this decision. I fully support domestic adoption but there are basically two options there - adopt a newborn or adopt a child over the age of 4 (usually older). Adopting a newborn would be fine, but there are more prospective parents out there than there are available newborns, so it didn't seem like we would be filling much of a need. Adopting an older child would be great if we didn't already have kids but I would be nervous about adopting out of birth order, and the likelihood of the child having major attachment problems would be fairly high. In addition, we would have to have the child in foster care for a considerable amount of time, during which the birth mother could get the child back if she wanted and could get her life together. We weren't willing to take that risk. I also felt that children without parents in the US, while having a difficult time, are in foster care which is exponentially better for them than orphanages. Children in all orphanages (even the really good ones) have developmental delays, because of the effects of institutionalized life and we want to help a child escape that situation. That is one reason we chose Ethiopia and not Korea or a few other countries who also have foster care programs.

I will post more later on the adoption process, timelines, etc. because this one is long enough! Feel free to email me with any other questions!